Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
