He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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