I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
