Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize