Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
