my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
