I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
