I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
