Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
