Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just invented taco cereal.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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