I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
