Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
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She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
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I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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