Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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