she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She bit a glass in half.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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