"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
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sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
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It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
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