i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
