Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i dont even know how to be here
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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