The maid of honor just puked.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Randomize
