Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
