I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
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