Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
