Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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