i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
