My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
