Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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