Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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