I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
