about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
