He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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