The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
