I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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