My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
