remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just forgot I was standing up.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
