i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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