i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
