How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
