Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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