nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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