if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Pappa wants mamma naked
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
