took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
