Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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