i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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