I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
