FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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