I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
