just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
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I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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