I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
