I think I won the penis lottery.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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