that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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