Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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