I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
