Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
