Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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