I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
