How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
