I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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