ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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