I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
